Dirty Laundry

I am re-posting a blog entry.

I was called to re-think this blog entry because I have been witness to a collective cry from friends, colleagues and clients alike who struggle with comparison and self-flagellation. So therefore, I will remove the veil of my not-so -perfect (very often ugly) life to allow the judgers to relish and the supporters to applaud.

If I touch one life--it is worth me exposing my dirty laundry.

Women, in particular, have been growing in numbers as they greet me with a cloak of shame and unease while professing modest transgressions. They have been ruminating in a place of unworthiness for large chunks of their lives because they feel they do not deserve goodness. This message is substantiated by the consistent regularity of their social media news feeds enforcing that their neighbors are doing good and living well. This nuanced dance of feeling shame-- coupled with the profundity of imaginary lives on Facebook or Instagram creates a chasm of isolation that is rising to epidemic proportions.

So as I let you into me raw, not so perfect life- I hope you too -do not feel alone.

Please refer to the prologue below. If you can relate ---please let me know.

If you feel called-- let the world know of your beautiful imperfections that allow you to feel this human experience. Judge me or Join Me. Just don't ignore this call to action.

REPOST-2018 Entry

I keep telling myself that I am real. I thought I was a real girl that all relate with....and then I got a reality check.

Yep- this is what I thought until this morning. Before this morning, 5am on April 16th, 2019-I thought I had my realness down pat. I have good girlfriends--a kaleidoscope of different ladies who enlighten, energize and make me just so proud. I felt I knew their struggles-mom struggles, body image struggles, work and relationship obstacles. And then I woke up.

Today is the day I start being authentic.

Julie you are real. #realgirl. Yep- this is what I thought until this morning. Before this morning, 5am on April 16th, 2019-I thought I had my realness down pat. I have good girlfriends--a kaleidoscope of different ladies who enlighten, energize and make me just so proud. I felt I knew their struggles-mom struggles, body image struggles, work and relationship obstacles. And then I woke up.

I am not real. I am fake.

So here you go.

I will try to paint the picture so you can imagine my puffy eyed, uninspired body curled up in my bed while combatting an inner monologue. This monologue began with, "This sucks, I am tired, I am defeated, I have no drive today". Again, my alarm rings. I think to myself, if I am real, why am I so guarded about myself? Why don't I shout it to the world that I always think about the pudge around my tummy? Why don't I post on Facebook that I obsess about getting to my next exercise class- and explain that working out is a chore now and no longer shifts my spirit? Why do I feel so defeated when my , normally cheerful 14 year old passes me in the hall and does not acknowledge me? And why do I further an illusion by posting on social media the cutest picture of us together? Why am I not the best wife I can be- I mean does anyone know I struggle? Does anyone else worry about this? #wifefail. Why do I fear people seeing me without my make-up mask? Why do I live and die by online shopping (okay--I think this is an acceptable flaw). I mean- this list is countless. My flaws are too many to even enumerate in this tiny, miniscule blog. But--why if I am so flawed-do I insist on filtering these human experiences and twisting them into something beautiful? Social media is a fairy godmother.

Me. Circa 1984

Social media, grants me, with her magic wand the ability to hide behind fantastical posts. And maybe--this makes a mockery out of the real life that I am living. So if you look back into your childhood, look at real pictures. Look at the one from 1984. Look at , a Kodak imprinted snapshot of your mom. Maybe your mom is wearing round, owl like, tinted glasses. She doesn't seem to fuss with untucked shirts, her frosted hair, messy house, messy kids or messy times. 1984 was not filtered or photoshopped. 1984 was as real as it gets. And in today's world it is hard to harness truth in pictures. Now we have become experts on building our very own --personalized brands. #perfectbody This personalized branding ensures we are always happy. Branding gives us the divine ability to birth perfect, perfect little children who are perfectly dressed and perfectly posed. And if perfection is not produced there is a simple remedy--DELETE it. #perfectionisnotforme

We are all on a journey. And we should, as sisters and brothers, embrace our struggles. Let us use our Social Media fairy godmother for good. Post a real pic of you on #julielokuncoaching or my Facebook page-Julie Lokun Coaching. Let us start a revolution. Let us get real. It starts now. Not so bad getting real. Feels pretty good. #getrealcampaign

PRLOGUE

I am a divorcee

As a coach, I do not offer up personal information in our conversations because coaching is a sacred space for my clients. However, many of my clients talk about the pain of their divorces. It is the ambient beat of women and men facing the disintegration of the dream they had, probably since childhood, of their "happily ever after".

I often want to interject--I KNOW! I KNOW! That was me! This pain is real and it will be ok--I promise. I have felt the shame of failure. I have looked gripping despair dead in the eyes. And I made it to the other side.

15 years ago I went thru the hardest time in my life. It was a grueling half decade of self flagellation, doubt and drama. I inflicted untold scars upon my children. And after remarrying my second husband, I struggled too. Who am I? Am I good enough? This path of embracing my past and releasing it has become a critical source of healing.

I have ADHD

For years, I felt stupid. I clearly remember before entering law school, the Dean of Students required an in person meeting prior to my acceptance. I trudged downtown, 7 months pregnant in the sweltering mid-summer Chicago heat to be met by Dean Johnston. Johnston was a stern older gentleman with icy blue eyes and a soft, hypnotizing cadence.

He sat me down and began a gentle interrogation--

"Ms. Drost- do you have a learning disability?".

I scoffed. What is he talking about? Apparently my test taking skills were sub-standard and my admittance would be conditional. I left the austere walls of academia in a sweat soaked, mascara stained mess. How dare he insult me? I am an intelligent and focused woman.

Fast forward 16 years--I am sitting in a beige 10 x 10 office taking a battery of tests my personal physician recommended. I am face to face with a psychologist as I awkwardly attempt 8 hours of testing, I surmise that this intellectually advanced woman (doctor) at the other side of the table must be frustrated with her remedial patient. Dumb I am!

What appears, at first, to be child-like exercises in memorization quickly presented itself as one of the biggest mental challenges I have ever encountered.

Results- I have a working memory in 10th percentile which makes it an incredible challenge to recall a phone number that has just been given to me. I am equally as challenged with details of a colorful picture I just looked at 10 seconds prior. What this feels like is I have a fog looming in my brain when I am tested to recall fairly simple facts. I am now faced with the reality that I ha severe learning disability.

However, my communication and expressive skillset ranked in the 99th percentile. I suppose I have always compensated for this memory deficit. I believe, now, that looking back at this fact--if I had known of my struggle when I was younger I would have used it as a crutch. And perhaps, I would have talked myself out of college, law school, jobs and even starting my coaching collective.

And now, I watch all 4 of my sons struggle with this same challenge. And I do not allow them to use this as a crutch or an excuse. And many days as I watch them struggle I have to remind myself that this is what will make them valuable contributors on this earth.

I FEAR the dentist

This is perhaps a fear that stems from the first time I had oral surgery. My mom could hear my wails from the waiting room. I was having a tooth pulled and the anesthesia wore off mid- procedure. The dentist kept telling me to shut up. My mother heard this all. Today I am endeavoring in a long and grueling procedure of getting tooth implants. This fear may look insignificant to most- but it grips me in a way I cannot even explain. I work on it everyday. And I just wanted to let you know--your fears are not trivial. Your fears are part of the tapestry of your life. It is what you chose to do with your fears that change your life.

By spreading this message and embracing the failures of our humanness we can change the world. YOU GOT THIS GIRL.

prologue to my prologue: And this is a side note--for some reason, perhaps it has been a gift from the Universe, I never ever worried how strangers perceived me. I really think this is a gift I never asked for or wanted, but is greatly needed.

As long as I knew in my heart that I purposefully was doing the best that I could for the best people in my life I was content. I knew if my actions aligned with my core purpose things would be ok.

And this is the truth. So be it.

xoxo-love your, divorced, hot mess of a parent, legitimately impaired coach.

p.s. wait til y'all hear about my struggle with IVF and body dysmorphia!

Got Pain? Try THIS.....

If you are human chances are that you have stumbled across a frightfully painful experience. Was it a partner who did you wrong? Or was it a dagger inflicted by a friend who pulled a fast one? The context of your pain really doesn't matter. What matters is that it hurts. This DNA attacking wound often festers at the surface of your emotional reservoirs then can unexpectedly resurface when triggered.

Now let me ask, has this pain strangled your joy? Unfortunately, pain like this has the power to halt you in your footsteps and handcuff you to the past. It can be quite foreboding to release this pain. And in some instances this pain becomes so powerful that it will alter your identity. Thus your identity morphs into your very own personal brand of a victim.

This pain, when not processed and released create collateral soul-searing damage which prevents you from moving forward in your life. It too, can alienate you from those around you who bear witness to your ruminations and self-flagellation.

So what can you do? I often suggest to clients who have been subject to this sort of anguish to create a sacred space of release. In this process, you reclaim a sense of power and symbolically untether past aggressions. I caution you to respect your journey-and do not attempt before you are ready.

Release & Reset

*PERSONAL RELEASING CEREMONY

A releasing ceremony is a spiritual release (not specifically connected with any religion) . This healing ritual is just one tool that has been helpful to many people, who are working to release anger, pain and other difficult emotions that can hinder growth and progress. **However, it is not meant to replace any needed psychological counseling or mental health help that might be needed. If you have mental or emotional imbalances that are affecting your ability to function normally, please see a qualified counselor of your choosing to help.

Releasing anger and rage over events in your past: One of the most valuable healing release exercises I've ever tried involves processing past hurts through the ceremonial ritual of release. It may be that you, like me, have used such spiritual tools before. Yet, I would encourage you to explore the particular scripting used in this ceremony of release. I found that the three-part process I'll be sharing made a difference. AND keep in mind—tailor your ceremony to be personal to you. Do what you are comfortable with and omit things that are not of interest.

This spiritual ceremony involves writing a letter to each person who, you feel, has brought negativity to you, whether verbally, mentally, emotionally, physically or spiritually. The degree of abuse doesn't matter. If you felt violated, then it abused your essence. If you harbor any feelings of bitterness, resentment, hurt, anger or fear as a result, then it can eventually damage your Spirit and your body.

And when I use the words "spiritual ceremony" or "healing ritual" I do so deliberately, to denote that there should be an attitude of spiritual attention and intention when you decide to facilitate this release for yourself. Dedicate time, pray or meditate to get yourself centered, calm, and focused. Give adequate intent and attention to the process and acknowledge it as important enough to command time set aside specifically for the ceremony.

In this letter of healing and release, you are not nice. You let it fly. You don't hold anything back because it is the thing we hold back that gets trapped in our cellular make-up and causes manifestations like weight gain and chronic fatigue, depression, etc. This is meant to handle our most ugly, angry and hateful feelings, and to help us heal them thru safe expression without guilt.

Please note that the purpose of this full out expression is NOT retaliation or revenge or any type of negative projection. It is for you and you alone. It is an allowing of your feelings, however out of balance they might be at the time, in Sacred Space, so that you can know yourself, express yourself and move thru unresolved emotional residue.

So, how do you avoid guilt in this situation? What's important is to set your intent beforehand that you want to let go of whatever unexpressed feelings you might still be unconsciously carrying. And that you are not projecting them toward the person in any kind of vindictive way but giving them up to the universe, in an honest confession of your true feelings.

Finish these three statements in each letter:

1. This is what you did: 2. This is how what I felt, in response to what you did: 3. This is how I have allowed what you did to affect my life:

When you have finished the letter(s), get a fireproof container, at a time when you can be alone and create a Sacred Space by smudging, prayers, etc. and burn each letter, releasing a lantern and send it all back to the universe. Use your voice with this ceremony, as a powerful self-affirmation of your intent. You may use the words I've provided below, or words of your own choosing, to set your spiritual intent to heal the past, at the time that you burn the letters:

"I now release all agreements I may have made, to hold suffering and to receive abuse. I now choose healthy relationships and release all behaviors, emotions and beliefs around any idea that I deserve or caused abuse. I release all negative behaviors that have resulted from this abuse. I embrace my life and intend into my life, joy, peace, love and respect. I love and respect myself and choose to live my life as loved and respected. I draw to me those who will support this decision to heal, and to experience more joy, love, peace and respect in my life. I allow the natural course of feelings to express to the point of forgiveness and healing, at my soul's best speed of healing. I am gentle with myself as I learn how to live in a space of love and self-respect. It is complete. I accept my healing into every cell of my body. I AM. I AM Healed."

It will be important to focus on what feelings and adjustments you want to bring into your life, to fill the empty space left by releasing what was there before so take some time to image-in what you want to fill those newly lightened and healed spaces within you.

It's also important to realize that, even though you have indeed healed yourself, it will take time for the new behaviors and ways of living to establish themselves so don't be dismayed if it appears you still feel wounded for a time. That is normal. Spend time in meditation and prayer and get healing or body work as often as you can. Make yourself and your healing a priority.

And finally, remember that each person who has hurt you is a flawed human and made choices out of alignment with what is true and good. There can be a release of blame and you can begin to see that their choices were about them and not you. Too often, when we are hurt or betrayed or rejected by someone else, we consciously or unconsciously believe that the hurt, betrayal rejection or other painful action is somehow indicative of our true worth as a being. It isn't about you. It's about the other person and their issues and struggles.

* If you have a friend or family member who languishes in pain and is challenged by moving forward-send them this article. Deliver it with compassion. Do your part to foster an uplifting human experience.

Pretty Tired?

Fighting unrelenting exhaustion in a world that never relents.

Even the most dedicated of "live- your- best- life gurus" are not immune to that overwhelming feeling of pure exhaustion. This exhaustion is amplified with the looming greyness of winter skies. Grey, dank streaks of sunless days zap our already markedly low energy levels. I write this blog with every intention of infusing a little knowledge and useful tips into your everyday....but today- I share with you my story of being spread to thin.

It was quite apparent today, that of all days, my energy level was barely existent. I tousled all night fighting a migraine that rattled my neck and slowly creeped up behind my eyes. My migraines, are a sign of environmental changes, hormone fluctuations and, I imagine self-imposed stress. Needless, to say, my quality of sleep suffered. And thus, my patience, creativity and overall lens on life suffers.

So today, as I arose, I arose with the agility of a senior citizen. This is not going to be good--I tell myself. Typically each day I wake up and step into my morning with a very personalized ritual. I get out of bed, before everyone in the house is awake. I relish in the silence (possibly the only time of day that is quiet). I use this sacred space to start my day with gratitude. I mentally create a vision for me day. This is done over a cup of hot coffee or tea and then I jump into my workout.

WHY IS A MORNING RITUAL ESSENTIAL IN YOUR EVERYDAY?

• A morning routine helps you to feel more grounded and embodied. It helps you to slow down and tune into your intuition.

• Enables you to batch your energy sources and self-care in a defined amount of time.

• Makes you less reactive and more intentional as you start your work day.

• Helps you feel more productive without feeling fragmented.Promotes more space and pause to make choices that nourish you

• It syncs with your natural rhythms and those of nature.

• It optimizes your decision making power for creative and productive work.

So all good days point to starting your first minutes with gratitude, internal direction, a good stretch and honoring your strength. However, today was not the morning I envisioned. Hobbling through my house, blurry eyed and directionless, I could not access the energy to even walk thru the steps of my daily morning routine. However, I was immediately reminded of the energy that I needed to muster today when my son awoke with a brash smile giggled--"Mom today is going to be a great day--my birthday sleepover!".

HOLY FRICKIN MOLY. Today is the day my husband and I bravely invited 10 TEN YEAR OLD BOYS for a sleep over. This event was the brainchild of yours truly. A week ago, I thought it creative genius to have a slough of adorably cute yet decibel smashing boys over for 16 hours of sleepless fun. There is no way this elderly-feeling, slow-poke will be of any use this evening if I feel imprisoned by my own exhaustion.

"THESE BOYS WILL SMELL MY IMPAIRED ENERGY AND USE IT TO THEIR GLORIOUS ADVANTAGE"

So in moments of extreme exhaustion how can you access organic energy to optimize your day?

• Start by reframing your state of exhaustion. Yes, you can feel it in your bones, You want to crawl back into bed. You want to shut the world away--but literally cannot. The demands on your life are knocking at the door. By systematically unpacking and prioritizing what is most important in this moment you gain clarity and eliminate overwhelm. Seeing your day in front of you in black and white can be a useful roadmap to keep you on point.

• Stop feeding your exhaustion by thinking about it. Change your environment. Go for a quick walk. Make a call to a bestie. Listen to a podcast. Write a blog.

• Make thoughtful choices with food. Instead of grabbing the last browning in the pan, chose something packed with powerful nutrients. Eggs, green tea, a smoothie, a banana.....you get it.

• Honor your circadian rhythm. Circadian rhythms are physical, mental, and behavioral changes that follow a daily cycle. They respond primarily to light and darkness in an organism's environment. Sleeping at night and being awake during the day is an example of a light-related circadian rhythm. Buy a relatively cheap circadian optic light that can give you a dose of Vitamin D--aptly called the "sunshine vitamin" . See Below for more information--in PRODUCTS I LOVE.

• Honor your body. Take a power nap to reviatalize you--no more than 20 minutes.

• Dab a few drops of essential oils on your wrist and temples. I love how peppermint infuses a blast of energy via my olfactory receptors.

• And take pen to paper and write 3 things you are grateful for--see through the fog of listless anticipation. For me today:

1. The memory of giving birth 11 years ago to a perfectly formed male who consistently amazes me with his colorful outlook he has in life

2. The blast of sunshine that reflects the diamond-like sheen of frozen snow

3. The way my husband tells me I am beautiful even though I am a puffy eyed, matted haired, wearing my pajamas until noon kinda gal today.

So in closing--remember, you have the choice to determine how your day goes. Only you. You are the narrator of this day. And you are never guaranteed a tomorrow. Use the tools you have to make it your best. And honey, get some sleep!

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